Social Media
this was originally a story post on my instagram and i realize that by moving it here i strip it of the few artistic decisions i was able to make as i put it together. such as text placement/size. overlapping sections that cut each other off. music choice. image choice. etc etc. it would be interesting to write about that later sometime but anyways, this is a ramble-y thing i posted on social media and i think that in order to kill whatever instinct in me it’s trying to describe, i should also put it here.
every now and then Instagram does the thing that all the apps that touch photos do where it sends me a little reminder of what I was doing a year ago today 3 years ago today 6 years ago today 7 years ago today a million todays ago today.
notifications asking me to watch some story I posted or thing I said.
and I hate getting these. i hate seeing what I was posting in the past. i hate seeing what I was doing back then
i hate seeing the good times I thought were worth sharing I hate seeing the jokes and the old friends and the ones who are still around and I hate remembering it and reminiscing
i journal semi frequently and I love reading my entries from the past. so, why does this piss me off?
i’m just a grumpy person who hates computers now or something but it’s more than that.
and it’s so obvious I almost feel like I don’t have to say it. but it’s not my life a year ago or whatever. it’s a weird highlight reel of all the days I felt particularly funny or deep or interesting or attractive or sad or exceptional in some way.
and I get pissed off. i get pissed off and sad and try not to imagine myself as having once been full of this seemingly endless supply of exceptional days and funny quips or cringe little story posts and I try not to imagine myself as having run dry and grown too old or too self conscious to be anything but what I am now.
this constant reminder to check in :D and reminisce :D leaves me with only the bitter notes of nostalgia and the impression that my life is perpetually winding down
but y’know, it’s whatever. i can make new memories and interesting days. it hasn’t stopped me yet I think.
but still I find myself reading what I’ve written and what I’ve posted and again the feeling that I’m winding down hits me.
it’s hit me especially hard this past year. I’ve had an increasingly hostile relationship with social media and tech and computers in general lately.
i don’t want to engage and because I don’t want to engage I self censor or don’t post or i reserve posts for big days or important moments or whatever.
and I hate it. I used to pride myself on my borderline selfish style of social media use. nonsensical, stupid posts about nothing and story posts that would ramble and show off and be silly and dumb
and i KNOW this amount of self obsession about the way I used to use a tech product is odd and not an entirely productive use of time.
but there used to be a version of me that wouldn’t hesitate to write this whole thing just cause and I respect that person a lot more than the one sitting here right now rewriting this in my notes app
I feel like by trying to be more selective I’ve induced this self consciousness in me that didn’t use to be there.
or maybe it’s just the highlight reel illusion again.
either way there’s no clean ending to this ramble-y thing. I felt this the most writing the caption to my new years post. the entire time I was just thinking that it felt out of character.
but I’m the character and this is my page so what the fuck am I talking about.
the solution is to turn off the notifications for this feature, obviously and to not use my own social media presence as a way piece together my personality post hoc.
i need to stop performing for my future self, and i need to stop being an audience of my own online presence.